I guess I should be thankful for a lot of things. I should be thankful for knowing so many interesting people, being friends to many of them. I should be thankful I've had it so easy all my life; it's all just been one kickass ride with minimal responsibility on my part. I mean, I've had a few things that I could cry about, some stuff that made it a little hard. But whatever burden that stuff had on my soul is gone, if it ever existed. I should be thankful that people take it easy on me. That they're careful not to hurt my feelings. That they want to avoid awkward social situations. I've got nothing to say about that.
I have a lot of things. I should be thankful for that. I should be thankful for my possessions that keep me amused, that distract me from feelings I can't get rid of. I should be thankful for familial love. Hahah. That one is amusing. I know some in my family who would just as easily throw me under the bus to save their own skin. Though, for every one of them, there is another polar opposite. So I am thankful for that.
Still, I felt unhappy. And I felt that being unhappy somehow entitled be to not be grateful for anything. I believe a part of that; that nothing is really worthwhile if your miserable.
We went to some pitifully shitty light display that is held at "the park" in town. There were a bunch of little scenes depicted.
My bros and my sister ran about, falling down a few times and complaining about how awful it all was and that I didn't want to be there. My mum's response was "Be fucking festive so we can take a goddamn picture!" My dear mum.
I, meanwhile, was completely unconcerned with silly conventions like composition and took pictures catch-as-catch-can. They didn't turn out so well. Some ended up so bad that they looked vaguely artistic.
Some of the displays, though were unintentionally entertaining.
Anyway, it was a good time; everyone was miserable. While there, though, I stumbled upon a display with "JOY" in giant red letters. I looked at it for a while, then I looked past it off into space, like when one is deep in thought. I thought about it a lot, standing there. Obviously, there wasn't much intended meaning behind it; this is a podunk town with simple people living in it. "JOY" just meant exactly that.
I thought about it more than I feel comfortable saying, (about ten minutes, I stood there looking like an idiot). But then I realized that the message shouldn't be complicated. To try and glean any more of a meaning from it would be useless. "JOY" just meant joy. It's a simple message. It's probably one of the few intangible concepts you can boil down to three letters. Eventually, what I got out of it was that I should just think simply. Some things just work. Some things just don't work. Just be happy, regardless. And, more importantly, make other people happy, too. There are a lot of people that have a lot less than me and are perfectly happy, sharing good times and noodle salad with one another. I also know people that have a lot more than me and aren't nearly as happy as they could (or should) be.
My awful emotions that I hate letting out so much didn't seem to matter anymore. I've got myself. That's all I need. A lot of people have the problems of existential crises or worrying about whether there is an afterlife or not. Is there a God? What do I mean? What is my significance? Well, I don't have those troubles. I don't think about those things. They don't bother me. As far as physical possessions go, I enjoy my things. I could go without them, though.
There was a fire alarm the other night and I slapped on my shoes, threw my phone in my pocket, and walked out with my laptop under my arm. Outside, I thought, "This entire building could explode and I will not be upset about anything." My dorm contains most of my earthly possessions. In reality, I could've gone without the phone and laptop, too.
The summation is this: I've got a lot to be thankful for. I've got a lot to be happy about. I have a lot to be proud of. So just be happy, why don't ya? I just feel good now.
And it's strange how such a simple realization like that can make you feel so much better. All the stress about school, relationships, money... they all just evaporated. The best part was that I'm sleeping properly again. Although, I am having a lot of bad dreams that wake me up at exactly the same time every morning. I won't over analyze, though. That's what usually caused me to feel so bad in the first place. And for a single caveat, that's not a bad one.
Do me a favor; tell the people that mean the most to you "Joy." Tell 'em to pass it on. It's a simple message, but it says a lot. There's nothing you've gotta worry about anymore, child. It's gonna be alright.