Sunday, August 10

Lemme hit you with some knowledge.


A little while ago, I decided to come up with some of the only advice you might ever need. While far from complete, it should provoke in you a need to inform other people about your mistakes and failures as a human being.

Don't fuck the children.

To be completely honest, it's just too easy. Generally it's not worth it, either. I don't have the fetish, so I'm free.

No suicide.

Life's throwing you curve balls because it doesn't want you to win. Beat every kick life gives you and work your ass off. Persevere, and you'll have nothing to regret. Besides, your ass'll be dead soon enough. If you really have a hard-on for the ethereal plane, pray for a mad gunman or something. I was watching the news the other day and a man started sawing off another dude's head on a bus while Other Dude was sleeping. Apparently, he didn't have a reason. That other dude could be YOU!

Give cheaters the answers.

It'll be all the sweeter when they're found out to be as inept as they truly are. Bonus points if you make up shit. I was never that creative, sadly.

If it's one thing, it's a lot of things.

This is a personal favourite. I think everybody's had days where every fucking thing goes shithouse crazy. You'll come to notice that if one thing seems to go wrong, a whole wealth of goddamn things will. Most of the time, these things are completely unrelated and drive you up a wall. Thankfully, you can take solace in the fact that such things are likely to happen again tomorrow. Aahhhhh, the gift of foresight.

Never presume someone will be able to do something for you.

This is an especially big one for me. It was instilled within me by my mother. Never ever expect that someone will be willing or able to help you. It is incredibly rude of you to expect something from somebody without any regard to their lives or plans.

No inane bullshit.

I went to the Schlitterbahn waterpark recently (about nine rides and all of them are a pile of ass and a two hour wait.) As we were waiting in line for some generic waterslide, visible was a giant fake glass of Coca-Cola. It's a thinly veiled advertisement in the guise of a "soda straw" slide. Anyway, fucking huge glass of Coke sitting right in front of us. There was a guy and what I suppose was his girl with him. He would eventually remark of giant Coke, "Boy, that sure makes you thirsty, huh? chortle chortle"


I wish I could think of such things.

Here's what I really mean: Don't make conversation. Why the fuck would you want to force discourse with someone? If the conversation is there, the opportunity to contribute will present itself to you. Don't hurt the people around you with your retarded babble. I've come to understand the ladies enjoy stupid statements such as the one above. I haven't the faintest idea why. Perhaps I'm destined to be alone because I refuse to change myself for someone else. I wouldn't want anyone like that anyway.

If I had to act like that, I'd rather kill myself.

Use your cool.

I've said this before, but if you want something, distinguish yourself. Do what you know. At first glance, this would appear to conflict with my "there is no such thing as individuality or being special" philosophy, but the goal here is to do what you like to do better than someone else, i.e use your cool. This can apply to any goal. A job opening, finding a girl, winning at stuff. If, at the end of the day, you find yourself unable to compete with another, it's time to cut your losses and give up. I'm sorry. Get better, you unskilled twat.

Don't try too hard.

Goes hand-in-hand with No douche-chill statements. Not only does it make you look bad, it makes everyone that knows you look bad as well. Ex: "I don't think I'll ever be the same way since Jessica tried to stab me that one time. Making love will never be as fulfilling." ..... "Who invited that guy?" Albeit, if you are not that guy, it puts you in the Good Cop position in the Good Cop/Bad Cop scenario , which can sometimes work to your advantage.

Don't eat glue.

Self-explanitory. You're not in kindergarten anymore, Walt.

Introspection is necessary.

Occasionally, I like to envision myself being drawn out of my body and pulled above me, so it can put me in a position of objectivity, a different perspective. If I see myself heading in a direction I dislike, I right myself. Admit when you fuck up, if only to yourself. Also, going back and reviewing situations can give you insight into what other people were doing that you didn't pick up on at the time.

For instance, I was in a car accident a couple months ago. Multiple cars, damage irreparable to one of them. It wasn't incredibly dangerous in retrospect, (thank you, Fiberglass God), but it could've been incredibly worse. It was all friends, one car behind one another. Some bastard was delivering a box full of rice and decided to stop abruptly in the middle of the road in order to decide where to go. One car smashed into another. There was another car behind us, thankfully not too close. We leapt of the car, as you should do in the middle of traffic. I got fluid in my McDonald's milkshake. I was pissed and full of adrenaline, so I threw it at a building. The car behind us stopped. It also belonged to a friend. Out popped him and another friend, a girl, to she what was up. I saw she was crying. She was so worried that we could've been hurt. I knew I had to be the guy to reassure everyone that everything was alright. I played it off all macho-like: "YEAH, we're fine. No problem." I was talking too fast and I couldn't sit still.

If I could change that day, I would've held her and not stopped until they had to pry us apart. I would've done anything but what I actually did to make her feel bettter. But I still missed the boat. Hindsight may be 20/20, but it sure doesn't help me now.

Know what you have to do and live with your decisions. You did what you that was best in that given situation, so don't live kicking yourself over it. Just know differently for next time.

Give your children real names.

And it comes full circle back to kids. Clifford is not a real name. Bertram is not a real name. Cody is not a real name. Dakota is not a real name. Eli is not a real name. Adrian is a stupid name. For more information, review George Carlin's schtick on names. I was cursed with Dylan, but not the terrible Dillon. BLECH. Yeah, Welsh isn't good to me either but there's still only one real way to spell it. Also, it's a fact that you will dislike someone with the same name as you, but usually only if it's spelled the same way.

This appears to be all the advice I have for the time being. I'm sure I'll come up with newer ways to tell you how to live your life, you miserable, lost fucks. My parting advice is simple; it's more of a command than anything else. Be inelegant.

Namaste, babes.

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