Over the past couple of months, I've had this gnarly feeling building up in my chest and it's reached down into the pit of my stomach. I've stopped eating as much. I've slept far less. Certain things I was obsessed with have started to matter less, which is a good thing as far as video games and movies are concerned. I don't feel like I need as much as I did.
It's because I have feelings so intense for a certain individual that I feel little else. They're all I want, all I need. I've expressed this feeling several times, ever since I first starting talking to them. They've...acknowledged. That's all I can say for now.
They've struck me with a love the likes of which I've never known before, which is saying something, because anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not an open guy with my true feelings. But this is a person whom I can feel I can tell anything and have them not judge me. It's a person whom I would trust with anything I say and any part of me. I hope that they'd trust me, too. I don't feel like anything I say can weird them out. It's the best feeling I've ever had, to be honest. In a world of critical people, to find someone so wonderful... is wonderful!
I love every part of them. EVERY FUCKING PART. (And don't think otherwise if you happen to read this.) They're beauty is unparalleled and I find myself not thinking of anyone else anymore in that way. I love the certain roughness to them. They're completely unlike anyone I've ever met. I love the way they walk, the way they talk, and I find myself staying up until all hours of the night thinking of new ways to make them smile. They mean everything to me, even if I may not mean everything to them. I cannot tell.
Everyday, the feelings I have get stronger and stronger. I wouldn't rather be with anybody else, any time of day. Just to see them, hear them, talk to them, makes me happy. Everything just feels right when I'm around them. They know this already, but I'll say it again: The greatest thing I can imagine is not the simple act of sleeping with them, but waking on a morning lying in bed next to them and watching them stretch their arms as they wake up, sun trickling in through the windows and sliding across their hair. It's the most beautiful sight that I can possibly imagine.
I'd do anything for them, tragically. Tragically, because I'd also... leave forever if they wanted me to. I'd never speak to them again, if that was what they wanted. I don't even want to imagine that, though. I'd give anything for them to be happy.
I don't want to dwell too much on this; they're not the mushy gushy type and they've known my feelings for them ever since we started talking. I suppose this will have no audience, as my blog usually does. Not that I care. It's my echo chamber for my frustrations, then. I'll keep yelling into it until I can feel like a regular human being, whatever that is. I feel like I am going to die. But it's the best feeling death ever, I imagine. I am content to dream of them, and if we may only be friends, or something higher than friends, or just something wavering in the middle, I'll take it. But I'll never stop loving them. That is my word, and I keep my words until I die.
Namaste. May your nights be easier than mine.